Personal PR: A Bit of Flirting Advice for Us All

This is my own little declaration of personal PR.

As I sit in this coffee shop making a feeble attempt at being productive and wondering why this mug is so damn big, I am forced to listen in to conversations happening close by.   I just have to.  The headphones are somewhere in the abyss of the boxes floating between my car, the storage unit, and my parents' house a gazillion miles away.  And some of these people are so loud, they might as well just come out and say they want my audience.  What's a girl to do?  I hide behind this comically gigantic mug and Macbook screen and take it all in.  I wasn't getting much done anyway.

A young woman is to the right of me, appearing absorbed into her laptop and slurping on some gourmet coffee beverage complete with a little Mt. Everest of whipped cream.  Envisioning an ant-sized mountaineer shrieking "Alpaca!" as he struggles up the whipped cream hill, I jump when she starts to shriek herself.

"I tried calling you but you didn't answer! It's too cold in here.  And I'm starving.  And I wanted you to pull out the chicken."

Oh dear lord, she better not be talking to me.  I completely forgot about the chicken.  I see a professional looking man stride up to her and unload his sweater and laptop.  "Sorry."  He went and got a boring Diet Coke (international symbol for "I'm at this coffee shop because she is") and came back...I don't think she stopped talking the whole time.

"Guess how many calories are in this drink."

Silence.

"GUESS!"

"Uh...400."

"650!!! You are SO way off.  650! 650!!!"

"You, uh, gonna be alright?"  The guy looks at the drink in suspect, probably noticing it's already two-thirds gone.  She giggles.  A lot.  I decide to tune this round out, already inspired.

I'll be the first to admit, I'm no expert at flirting.  I never really honed the skill--hard to believe if you know me personally now, but at one time I was shy.  Yes, it's true.  That quality never really went away, it just faded.  But when it comes to the dating scene, it'll rear it's quiet head once in a while.  Then I beat it down with a smile and carry on.  With that said, I know enough about the game to know this, and I want to make sure you do too:

BITCHING DOES NOT EQUAL FLIRTING.


What this girl thought she was doing was flirting.  But, alas, her dude wasn't really even listening.  I am assuming they have been together long enough where he has learned her technique and can properly respond without listening.  It's a talent most guys possess, and they're usually pretty damn good at it.  This particular victim was already nodding before she spoke...rookie mistake.  She luckily didn't notice.  Or did what a lot of women can do and notice entirely (we have been on to you guys for years after all) but use it to continue to talk with a "captive" audience.

So did her technique work?  Only because they appear to have a history.  If this guy was a random looker and she tried the bitching technique, it more than likely would've resulted in Mr. McRandom packing up that laptop and sitting elsewhere.  Dear girl, nobody cares about your drink.  It doesn't make me even wince that you're sucking down 650 calories.  This guy might not even know what a calorie really is (he has other things to worry about besides his girlish figure).

My point is this: girls, if you want to flirt, just be yourself and smile with the confidence you have because you are a beautiful woman.  Don't act stupid, because you're not.  Don't dress they way you think you should, dress yourself (appropriateness kept in mind, of course.  Going to work and the club shouldn't look the same...unless of course you actually work at the club).  And for goodness sakes don't complain about menial details to people who don't want to hear it.  Getting tuned out really isn't that fun when you finally have something to say.

Guys, this applies to you too.  Not everyone cares that sports are awesome.  Yes, video games do rule, but remember there's more to life.  No, really, there is.  What you need to do is be interested in whatever the hell she's saying.  Respond using her answers to even prove you're only glazed over because of her stunning beauty and NOT because she's, ya know, talking about the Kardashians.  And PLEASE don't play those stupid love games.  "Wait three days before..." and "Don't act too interested" are not effective.  You like her?  Then don't do something stupid like make her wait or wonder.  You'll lose her.  If she's worth her salt, she already knows this and won't stick around long enough for you to play any of those tactics.  So be a gentleman.  The world would appreciate it.

I'm learning everyday guys and chicks operate under completely different systems.  It's a miracle we can get along and communicate at all at times.  The clearer we both are with our intentions the less misery we face.  So let's in the very least attempt to function under the agreement we will never fully understand each other.

Good luck, we're all counting on you.